Today I am scared. I've tried all weekend not to think about the lump. Tried and failed. I didn't want to worry mum so didn't tell her...I'll call her later when I get the all clear. Niki has been amazing, she offered to drive down to come with me but I said I will be fine. Ryan is still in the states and doesn't know I am here either. I don't like to burden anyone.
Sitting in the waiting room there are lots of women around, obviously all here for similar reasons. I can't help but look around and wonder who here will be told they have cancer today? Please, please not me.
Ruairi is only at nursery until 3 and I am starting to panic - what if they need to do a biopsy, what if I can't get home in time to get him, what if I have to stay in.....all these questions are sending me into a bit of a spin and I know I need to calm down.
It will be fine. It will be fine.
It was fine. The ultrasound showed nothing alarming or to worry about. Thank goodness. But this whole experience has really really opened my eyes and got me thinking about my options if I test positive. Do I want this every 6 months? waiting for the day they tell me it's not alright?
So today was my first appointment at the breast clinic, well the family histories clinic to be exact. It was essentially a bit of a fact finding mission - I had to go through my family history for them and give them details of my aunt's cancers & my cousin's surgeries. My consultant was ok....very casual and laid back about the whole BRCA1 risk. Talked a lot of medical jargon without really explaining any of it, and when I asked waved it away as if it was stuff I didn't need to know. Kicking myself now obviously for not being more assertive and demanding answers, although I hadn't really gone with any questions. I know what BRCA1 means, I know what the risks are and I know what my options are. But all this I know from my family's experiences and my own research, certainly not from what the consultant told me today.
Over all I got the impression he felt I had nothing to be worried about, at the age of 30 I didn't even need to give this a thought for at least 5 years. How easily said yet impossibly done! I potentially have a rogue gene inside me that could lead to cancer....how can I not think about that?!
I had a physical examination which was as cold and clinical as his manner of speaking and he found a lump in my right breast. 'Its probably nothing' he says but of course my mind is now on overdrive. I am to come back in on Monday for an ultrasound.
I left feeling very scared.